Forgiveness

View up Delaware River from Penn Beach.

 Delaware Memorial Bridge from Pennsville, NJ

Just had the best tuna sub ever. It was frickin' HUGE! South Jersey has the best subs. Topped it off with pack of Tasty Kake Peanut Butter Kandy Kakes.
My sister and I just came from visiting our ex-stepmother who used to beat me with a coathanger (among other things). She lives in a run down rusted trailer out in the sticks. The living room was piled with junk. An overturned chair. The only open space was a walkway toward the hallway and an area around an old beat up recliner and the space between that and an old color TV with soap operas on. Kitchen counters and sink filled with dirty dishes.
After climbing up the aluminum steps, my stepmother opened the front door and we were greeted by a little white poodle with cataracts wearing a black sweater.
Surveying the scene I felt sad. Here was the person who used to beat the crap outta me living alone and in squalor. She still seems to love my father and talked about seeing him at Cow Town for the first time years after he left, and "looking into his beautiful blue eyes". She seemed lonely like my father, who's partner of 20 plus years died about five years ago. I don't know if he'll ever recover from that. He seems so depressed now.
All the people who hurt me so much as a child (physically, and otherwise) are now old and frail. I used to harbor so much animosity. But now looking at them with humility and empathy I wish them no ill will, and feel sad. We all suffer enough already. I don't wish to add to that.

Comments

  1. BigBillHaywireDecember 15, 2009 at 7:42 AM

    Oh, the photo is of the Delaware Memorial Bridge. The beginning of the New Jersey Turnpike (You know the old joke: "I'm from New Jersey". "What exit?").
    When I visited my Dad and Stepmother in 1998 they were living in Deepwater, NJ, literally right off the first exit after the bridge, in the toxic shadow of Dupont Chambers Works, where my Dad worked for thirtyfive years.
    It's partly where the name of this blog comes from.

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